Hope of a Better Past

“Would a butterfly reflect back and hope to become a caterpillar?”

It was when I went into treatment for an addiction to benzodiazepine tranquilizers in 2012 that I was approached by a therapist who commented that the definition of insanity in my case was not so much repeating the same actions expecting a different result, but my holding out hope of a better past.

The past in my case includes instances of trauma and adversity and when things seemed as though they were falling apart, I would instinctively return to those incidents in my past recollecting how hard things were and how somehow and in some way, the predicament I found myself in the present was a direct result of the trauma and adversity I experienced in earlier days.

For many years, I was convinced that the cause of all of the difficulties I experienced as an adult were related to the trauma I experienced earlier in life.

If I would have been supported better by my parents. If I had friends that would have cared about me and my feelings. If I would have gotten better opportunities. If people would have been aware of my situation and did something about it for me.

Today, I realize that what happened to me earlier in my life was very difficult and serious in nature. But it is part of who I am.

Over the years, I have learned how to recognize how it was through the adversity that I appreciated the successes and my ability to overcome those adversities.

The past is a part of me but it does not define me.

Today I am an over-comer transformed by my faith and my understanding that although I endured uncomfortable situations when I was younger, those situations have helped me appreciate the current circumstances and place value on them.

The past is the past. I can do nothing about what happened. Hoping for a better past is futile. I can only hope that my future will be more and more rewarding as I learn how to overcome and appreciate the successes I am experiencing today.

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